My Journey, My Religion

Journey to 30

Day 9: Finding my Religion

I am a very private person when it comes to my faith, this is the first time I’ve allowed myself to attempt to articulate my faith.

I was raised a Christian, and in most aspects I am still technically a Christian.  But I do vary in my conviction as each time I read a scripture it seems to say something different depending on my state of mind.  As far as morals and rules of thumb I prefer to go more by a direct list of rules not so much a series of symbolic allegories.  The Ten Commandments for one are pretty forthcoming, I think I can manage to keep up.  Have I lived or will I continue to live perfectly to these rules, no and no.

Another list of rules I attempt to live by is the Eight Fold Path of Buddhist teachings.  This gives a more generic day by day way of existence.  It is incredibly straightforward and an enlightening way to live.  Do I worship Buddha?  No, to me he is a great teacher.  Do I meditate in worship?  No I meditate to cleanse my mind of negativity.  My life has been far more fulfilled and happier on this path.

When asked I answer to most that I am agnostic; this will save the challenges met by those christians who do not agree with my personal convictions and judge and mistake my openness to buddhism as a form of worship to a false idol.  These are the christians that have turned me religiously reclusive.  Many are quick to judge and condemn as if they speak for my interpretation of God.  I find it healthier for my faith to just keep things private, rather than feeling targeted by the soldiers of my own convictions

Sometimes I wonder have I lost all faith outside of my strain to be a kind and good person?  The more I hear Bible verses and stories the more I want to turn and run the opposite direction.  I want to relate to my comrades on a human basis, not to have these robotic lines of scripture read back.  I retract farther from it when I feel so overwhelmingly bombarded with it from several seperate angles.  But then something happens, and my world turns upside down.  I am stressed, or scared, or mad, or glad and before I know it I am praying and connecting beyond me.  Like a knee jerk reaction I am speaking to the comfort that is my faith.  I am praising and thankful of all that has come to pass, I am crying and reaching for strength, I am yelling and screaming for patience, and it’s in those moments that I know my spirituality is still alive within me, I’m just living to be the best example I can in the meantime.

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Numinous to Newton

Spring 2006

The waters roar
and pipe the divine hymn
(every verse I know by heart)
and my mind begins luring
into the past.

I no longer stand the same
that figure of faith
no longer remains.
I once pranced in circles
on this monotonous path
which encloses Your power
in Your garden of creation.

Paths that led away
from your cradle
I was afraid to take.

I have bitten the apple
which gravity pulled
from this tree, and I’m now
ken to the prosperities
of those paths.
I find that my stride
has come to a halt
and I now hesitate
Between knowledge and faith.

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