The Flea Chronicles

Suburban Survival Series::A Mother’s Log of the Infestation

August 10, 2015:: Day One

B has returned to Colorado and the house seems so much quieter although cleaner in his absence. I wandered into his empty room to find an unintended and unexpected resident. I nimbly pinched at it’s bloodsucking frame and managed to awkwardly squish it amongst the ripples of my prints. I will spray the carpeted rooms and upholstery with home spray today.

August 16, 2015:: Day 6


The patriarch of this household finally noticed there are fleas in the house. Welcome to the party dad.  His fix, “we are moving into a hotel.”

As I sleep tonight Frank McCourt’s words will play into my head as I fantasize each fleas’ demise.

Dad…dragged the mattress off the bed and out to the street. He filled the kettle and the pot with water, stood the mattress against the wall, pounded it with a shoe, told me to keep pouring water on the ground to drown the fleas.

August 17, 2015:: Day 7

Despite my efforts that have worked in the past, the fleas have not ceased to exist.

I spotted Kenneth, our exterminator, outside today. I have asked him for his assistance but it seems to no avail.  He cannot treat hardwood. It is time to take the matter into my own hands. Today the nanny and I will bag up all clothing and bedding, clear the floors, pile the toys, and clear the floors…Bombs to follow.


August 18, 2015:: Day 8

Considering NannySam is down to one foot she sat in the protection of the car as I dashed through the house, running from the spraying fumes as I set up each bomb upstairs and downstairs all alone.  House evacuated, it is a strange sensation to walk about without the constant sensation of stinging along my ankles.

Upon cleaning the Professor Danger for the third or fourth time in a row the eggs seemed to ooze out as we rinsed apple cider vinegar through the tussles of his fur.

We have left the house in absolute shambles, a large amount of laundry and cleaning to immense upon our return.

August 22, 2015:: Day 12

It appears the tiny vampires have multiplied beyond our control despite the poison I spread along their tiny villages.The gremlin ran beyond my control into the abyss that is B’s room, despite my desperate attempt to retrieve her before her foot touched the carpet she was overcome by them. In pursuit of her weak and oblivious tiny frame she dove down and rolled on the carpet in effort to avoid my restraint. She has now become patient 0 of the second story as she undoubtedly noticed the swarm of fleas and frantically ran for the stairs.

I have detained the renegade in the bath tub. Meanwhile I am attracting the tiny invaders by attracting them with vibrations, then picking them off the toys, floors, my very own flesh and then dropping them into cups of Apple Cider Vinegar.  A stronger poison will be spread in the mothership this evening.   One week until company from out of town arrives.

Will the fleas be defeated?  Will the family succumb to the ongoing battle?  Come back next week to find out!



One Comment Add yours

  1. Josh Wrenn says:

    Yikes! Good luck, that sounds awful!!


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